From Brokenness to Wholeness: Why Real Change Happens in Small Shifts, Not Giant Leaps
No matter how many times you tell yourself you’re awesome, if you don’t believe it—those words fall flat. They don’t land in your body. They don’t change your feelings. They don’t shift your behavior. They’re just words you whisper to yourself in the mirror while a louder voice in the back of your mind mutters, “Yeah right.”
That’s the problem with so much of the self-help world. You’re told to plaster your bathroom mirror with affirmations. I am enough. I am powerful. I am beautiful. I am unstoppable.
But here’s the thing: if your core belief is “I’m worthless,” those affirmations don’t just bounce off. They can actually reinforce the gap between who you are and who you wish you were. They remind you how far away you feel from the person you want to become.
The truth is, you can’t leap from A to Z overnight. Transformation happens through small, believable shifts in how you think about yourself.
The Gap Between Who You Are and Who You Want to Be
Let’s talk about the “belief gap.” It’s the space between the self you experience right now and the self you desperately want to embody.
Take a common example: a mom who tells herself, “I’m the worst mom.” She feels burned out, guilty, maybe even ashamed. If she tries to jump to “I’m Supermom!” in five weeks, her brain calls BS. The leap is too wide.
But what if she shifted instead to: “I’m grumpy, but I love my kids.” That’s honest. That’s believable. And that’s a bridge thought—something her nervous system can actually grab onto.
Over time, these bridge thoughts stack. They create a ladder that carries you from despair to hope, from self-loathing to self-respect.
My Story: From “I’m Broken” to “I’m Whole”
For years, I believed I was broken.
I thought the experiences I’d lived through made me unlovable. I told myself I had somehow chosen the things that had happened to me—and therefore chosen the life I was living.
That meant I carried 100% of the blame, even for things that weren’t mine to carry.
I could have processed the “why” forever. Why did this happen? Why me? Why couldn’t I be different? But beneath all the processing, it boiled down to two poisonous thoughts:
I’m broken.
I’m worthless.
And when those are the beliefs running your inner operating system, no amount of “I am enough” is going to cut through.
The shift for me didn’t happen overnight. It happened slowly, painfully, over years.
My thoughts moved in increments:
From “I’m broken” → “I’m hurt.”
From “I’m hurt” → “Hurt is human.”
From “Hurt is human” → “Wounds give depth to the human experience.”
And eventually, to “These wounds are healed, and they help me guide others toward self-acceptance and love.”
Do I still feel the echoes of brokenness? Yes. But now I see them differently. For me, there remains truth in the brokenness—because only through my brokenness did I discover wholeness.
Replacement Thoughts vs. Affirmations
Here’s what I’ve learned both personally and as a therapist:
Affirmations are like trying to plant flowers in concrete. They look nice on the surface, but nothing grows because the soil hasn’t been prepared.
Replacement thoughts are different. They’re like loosening the soil, adding water, pulling weeds. They prepare the ground so something new can take root.
Why Affirmations Don’t Always Work
They often feel fake.
Your subconscious rejects them.
They create cognitive dissonance (that gut-level, “this isn’t true” feeling).
Why Replacement Thoughts Do Work
They’re believable.
They’re rooted in your current reality but nudge you forward.
They don’t require you to lie to yourself—they just require you to shift perspective slightly.
Example:
Affirmation: “I love myself completely.”
Replacement thought: “I’m learning how to care for myself.”
Which one feels more doable when you’re at rock bottom?
Why Incremental Change Matters
This is where people get discouraged: they want the quick fix. The 5-day challenge. The 10 affirmations to change your life. But our brains don’t work that way.
The Psychology of Belief
When you try to leap too far, your nervous system rejects it. It’s like trying to bench press 200 pounds when you’ve never been to the gym. You’re not weak—you’re untrained. You need smaller weights first.Cognitive Dissonance
If you tell yourself something completely opposite of what you believe, the tension actually strengthens the old belief. The brain doubles down.Neuroplasticity
Your brain rewires through repetition and small shifts, not giant leaps. Every replacement thought you practice is like carving a new path in the forest. Walk it often enough, and it becomes the main trail.Therapeutic Practice
Clients who try to leap from “I hate myself” to “I love myself” often burn out. Clients who start with “I’m open to seeing myself differently” build sustainable change.
What Small Shifts Look Like in Real Life
Here are some common “bridges” I’ve seen clients (and myself) build:
“I’m worthless” → “I feel worthless right now, but feelings aren’t facts.”
“I’m broken” → “I’m hurt, and hurt is human.”
“I’ll never change” → “Change is slow, but I’ve shifted before.”
“I’m a terrible parent” → “I’m having a hard day, but I care deeply about my kids.”
Each one is a step. And the power of steps is that they build momentum.
The Trap of Over-Processing the Why
This might sound surprising coming from a therapist, but here it is: you can process the “why” forever and still not change.
I’ve sat with countless clients who have brilliant insight into why they are the way they are. They can trace every wound back to its origin. And yet—they’re still stuck.
Why? Because insight doesn’t equal transformation. Thought shifts do.
That’s why replacement thoughts are so powerful. They’re not about untangling every knot in your past. They’re about giving you a different way to live in the present.
Therapy as a Long Game
Here’s the honest truth: therapy takes time.
It took me over a decade to move from “I’m broken” to “My wounds are healed, and they give me depth.”
Was it slow? Yes.
Was it worth it? Absolutely.
Because now, instead of being ruled by shame, I live from a place of wholeness. Instead of seeing myself as damaged, I see myself as deeply human. And that shift didn’t just change how I feel about myself—it changed how I parent, how I lead, how I love.
An Invitation to Healing
Maybe today you’re standing in the belief gap. Maybe the voice in your head whispers, “I’m not enough” or “I’m broken.”
I want you to know this: those thoughts don’t define you. They’re just one version of your story. And they can change.
Not in a week. Not with a sticky note on your mirror. But slowly. Incrementally. In ways that stick.
Therapy is the process of building those bridges—replacing thoughts, step by step, until one day you look back and realize you’ve crossed into a whole new version of yourself.
I’m proud of the me I am today. And I want you to know that it’s possible for you too—to be proud of the you that’s been hiding under the pain.
Because in the brokenness, there’s room for wholeness. And in wholeness, there’s freedom.